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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Whats going on!

Whats up or Whats going on is a hit song of Four Non Blondes (this song is often quoted example of one hit wonders)

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

Thats precisely my question. Whats going on? Grand ambitions have been asked to be patient, to live a hibernating life as I prepare for the spring of my life. Where is this spring, when is it going to arrive? Or have I already let the spring pass unnoticed while I was busy making other plans? While I read through black dots dispersed on endless pulp of intellectual miasma, I can hardly hope to become a champion of new discovery, new light, new hope, new poetry. The passions within have had a charmed life, unfulfilled they seem to prosper in the grotesque celebrations of my dreams, and when they seem to close enough that I may touch them, I feel a vague rebellion within. If I were to be a hermit, I could have doomed myself into darkness in search of some glow that would rescue me from my own hollowness, my own solitude. My self finds solace in continuous distractions, though maybe the reality is that I am living a life where distractions are epicenters of joy and activity. What is truth, what is beauty, what is knowledge, and why must I care about any of these? Why must I deduce, derive, deify, why make determined efforts, why engage in any pursuits whatsoever? Why must I rise or fall in love, suffer the sweet pain of pining or bitter joy in meeting after parting? Why must I bear the idiosyncracies of people I call friends, and why must I have friends, enemies, companioins, soulmates and why must then I have to bear envy, jealously, need, craving? Who am I?

I am nudging myself to move on, making choices that will alter the course of my life, what is the course of my life anyways? What difference would it make if my novels and poetry die a natural unpublished death, like several of my research ideas that are too poetic, too dreamy, too quixotic to be realized in my lifetime? What difference would it make if I married someone for love or married my love to let the time make differences grow till we become bitter and part? Why must I sound optimistic when all my life I have found shortcomings, underachievements, lack of miracles, sufferings and comprimises? Why must I believe in something when I am not sure of its existence?

How does it matter if my tastes don't match yours? You and I are just two pinions in the infinite cycle of birth and death, if there is such a cycle, if soul and mind have any meaning, if we are no worse than the creation of a supercomputer trying to find the meaning of everything or maybe the wired creations that run the matrix for extraterristials? How does it matter? Does it matter at all?

What is happening these days? What am I upto? What are my hopes and dreams, where are my likes and dislikes, what is driving me or not driving me in a proper way? Where are you, if you are anywhere? What is wrong? Is anything wrong? Whats going on?

9 comments:

palmira said...

I don't now, very nice writing....

Greetz from Holland.

Sumita said...

Vivek

time to party.. and not ask thee questions...

the answers can only be found in life..not in a point in time

Chay said...

Vivs...
When I had first asked my self these questions, I was under the impression that I was having a mid-life crisis....and a dear and wise friend told me that it was no crisis, and that I was about to discover myself. He asked me to keep trekking...and as u know I have been trekking. Inspite of the many questions, doubts and fears I find myself unable to stop. I cannot not ask the questions, but I know I cannot stop hoping, dreaming or believing. However, my dissonances are what define me & my tomorrow...and your dissonances and questions are what will define you & your tomorrow...I'd rather ask myself and life enough directions and questions....

You already know the answers to most of your questions...and you have to believe what u know deep in your heart and choose that over what your mind might tell you sometimes. Its a tough call...but often times reason is the first step in the wrong direction... especially for people like you and me...:-))

And u also know why u matter...another friend used to try and tell me that none of us matter really...he had a sort of fatalistic attitude about his life and everyone else's. He was one sorry boy...sad. He quit living even before he found out why he was alive...u get the drift right?

25 is a good age to find out the meaning and purpose of your life. its 2 years before 27...Its a good age to know who u are, where u are headed, what u want and to know for certain that u will accomplish it!!

Dont make back up plans Vivs......dont give yourself an opportunity to backtrack...

laters...take care!! :-)))

Chay said...

I have more to say...are u surpised? u shouldn't be!! :-))

....nothing in life is ever useless...even seemingly meaningless distractions have meaning.
....if you were able to doom yourself to darkness and despair, you would never have the passions or the desires...that is the beginning to the making of a champion Vivs....and u know that!!

the emptiness inside is what will give u fuel to go on till you find that which will fill it till your cup runs over...don't despise it!! But dont get used it either!!

Enough already eh!! I know!! Phew!! that's one part of chay u dont get to see often eh!! ;-)) sorry if I spoke too much!!

be well!!

bharath said...

a painful question that comes from a conversation of Ramana Maharishi (forgeting all standard set philosophical schools of thought) is "Who am I?". I think the answer, if one exists, is quite intriguing, though its purpose is still dubious (but this is how mathematics has progressed sometimes, without a definite end in sight). Trying to answer it might be a good waste of time.

bharath said...

the enquiry into this question is what I believe to be the body of work produced by the sages of the past. I think relevance of these works have largely been ignored. rightly so. for people living in a "aldous huxley world" I see no reason why they should be interested in these questions or the answers or their significance. The most important matter is pleasure. say it ain't so.

Anonymous said...

"Why must I bear the idiosyncracies of people I call friends, and why must I have friends, enemies, companioins, soulmates and why must then I have to bear envy, jealously, need, craving? Who am I?"


Vivek,

You are a 'lucky' human:)

How boring life- would be, without none of the above?!

And oh- spring time(s)...they will come and go, you'll see! Maybe you can bring *spring time- into someone else's life too!

Maria

buckwaasur said...

dude...hang the sense of it all...and do ur thing...be it designing of coastlines or code...:-))

Anonymous said...

At the age of 72, it is normal to get such thoughts. keep exploring further.