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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A dream: afterthoughts

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5 comments:

bharath said...

sounds like scotch on the rocks. don't know why! :p

Vivek said...

thats the most intoxicating comment one can get;)

Chay said...

scotch on the rocks eh!! :-)))
lollz....

Ardra said...

vivek!
am amazed by the way you put into words some abstract, pungent sensations- as if they're just crystallised feelings- and especially those intangible emotions which are a haze even to ourselves...have often been aware of wading thru a maze of clogged thoughts- which refuse to translate into words...

Vivek said...

Comments received on dudseascrawls ((from now on I will copy those here)); the most oldest is the one copied at the last of the list!


vivek!for me the word
By ardra on Wed, 2005-12-21 04:44

vivek!

for me the word “earthquake” did not impinge upon me in its own literal sense - it just got deciphered into the sensation that one sometimes wakes up with after a particularly disturbing dream- the heavy palpitations- when one can feel the throbbing in the temples and the chest- when the memory of the dream by itself would be blurred but the feelings experienced in the dream is too fresh and real like- so I did not quite notice whether it stood out- perhaps i read and understand a story/poem with how i connect to it in its totality more than the actual words used?? I don’t know really…

am amazed by the way you put into words some abstract, pungent sensations- as if they’re just crystallised feelings- and especially those intangible emotions which are a haze even to ourselves…have often been aware of wading thru a maze of clogged thoughts- searching for some kind of clarity and meaning, which refuse to translate into words…
Ardra
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Hey VIv
By Silent Melody on Tue, 2005-12-20 19:35

hey Viv, this was nice. Liked the first two and the last four lines a lot. My heart still quivers from the earthquakes
That your back imprinted on my chest; Sorry, but these two lines are not at all ok, particularly the use of “earthquake” in this context, somehow does not seem poetic at all. Can you use some other word here. But yeah as Fizz said it redeemed itself in the end. Beautiful line there; happens to me so many times that I know not the reason but there is so much of emptiness.
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Agree with Fizo and Silent Melody
By Vivek on Tue, 2005-12-20 23:39

I am as unsatisfied with some of the lines there, for all I wanted to capture (as I discussed with Fizo ealier) was a guy sitting such that a the girls back rest on his chest and his arm is wrapped around her. I had used “sobs” and “tremors” in earlier drafts, and the line was there to talk about how the two characters sat there, while she cried and her tears fell onto his arms.

Thanks much for the comment. Perhaps I will use:

My heart still quivers from the sobs
That your back imprinted on my chest;

Other options (didn’t like them much):
My heart still quivers from the shivers
That your sobbing back placed on my chest

My heart still carries the quivers
That your back suffered on my chest

Any ideas are welcome!
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I love the Melodrama
By Vivek on Tue, 2005-12-20 16:15

Was inspired by a dream, so had to start it like that. I do agree that the last four lines are the best written, but maybe without first ten, they would have never emerged:)!

To put in it perspective, I should copy that endnote that accompanied this poem on my blogspot page:

PS: This poem started off well, but then I had to rewrite every line with lot of struggle to get the right words. In contrast, unbearable lightness and my chaotic love flowed non-stop, one take shots. The words emerged in many patterns, but always failed to say what I really desired to capture; on any other day, I would have accepted their self-organized artistry, but for this one, eventhough it was vague initially, the essence guided me through ten revisions.

“A cup of tea” series will return; am working on it!
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vivek...
By Fizo on Tue, 2005-12-20 15:41

it started out pretty umm…dramatically…too much of pathos I thought…esp the tears you shed in my dream and teh fish running out of water stuff…did not like it one bit…

but it seemed to have redeemed itself in the end…I loved the last 4 lines…

The reason of sorrow has deserted my memories
And I suffer from my blankness, my emptiness;
Like dream, you cannot be retrieved, my love
Like dream, my love refuses to fade away.

much more real and heartrending without the masala…
please to excuse the critique Smiling
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