Jo gaya footaa tha chiraag
Mere haath-on se choota tha
ik diya, lau se bichura
mitti mein mili roshni ka
tukda tha, paun mein chubha
sapna joe mera mehka tha
ik aah se deheka tha
haathon se uthaaya usko
bade yatn se karke iktra
daroron ki kadr karke
jo gaya foota tha chiraag
pichchlay din, fir naye
yatan ke tel say ujala tha.
Jo gaya footaa tha chiraag
deheka tha, toe ban kar
lapaton ka kalash kehta tha-
agni se tum mit-tay ho
yun kaise hota hai banaatay
mujhko, phir bhi nirbhar ho
andhiyaaray se darrtay ho, aur
chintaa mein rahtay bikharay ho
apnay aham mein kaanch sa hai
bhoola tha ki mitti ka hai
jo gaya footaa tha chiraag
lau say lipataa, jaanta hai
kshanbhangur wah bhi kitna hai.
July 27, 2006
kshanbhangur: one that can be destroyed in a moment
2 comments:
i'd read somewhere a difference between showing and telling through one's writing. Needless to say showing is better. You are definitely getting there but the imagery needs more work. Maybe less words , more ideas .
oh yeah also wanted to mention. typos galore here. case in point, iktra, daroron, woh, etc.
one suggestion, I've practically given to everybody, read out what you've written and see how it sounds. If it sounds wrong, rework it.
take care
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