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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Ghazal: kuch nayi nahin

this is an audio post - click to play


Kuch naayi nahin, wahin puraani baatein kehta hun
Log kya kya samaj letay hai, mein jab ghazalein kehta hun!

Woh roshni hoti zindagi ki, ya zaruraat meri saanson ki,
Toe kya abhi hokar khadaa, keh paata, joe bhi kehta hun?

Thoda sakun milta hai, inn shabadon ke thande jhonkon mein,
Andhar rehtay hai jab tak ehsaas, julsa jhulsa rehta hun!

Zarurat nahin mujhe abhi, kissi paimaane ki doston,
Aajkal mehkaada ek mehangi UmraoJaan ko kehta hun!

Joe toot-taa hai, wah phir se, ik koshish se sanwaarta hai
Uss koshish ki kashish mein, tootaa tootaa rehta hun!

Aajmaa ke dekhaa humne bhi hai, ishq ki har fitrat ko
Nahin kahaniyon sa hota hasin, Isiliye mein kehta hun!

Nazaar hi aa jaatay, kab mulakaat humne chaahi thi,
Har anjaan hasin se shikwa hai, tanha tanha rehta hun!

Aug 01, 2008

These days I am experimenting with Hindi and English Ghazal forms. Also trying to check how I sound when I read these poems on phone:) Seems they don't have desired effect on people. I will be delighted to hear criticism and comments about the recitation as well as diction.

8 comments:

Amit Gupta said...

Dude - the quality is certainly going up! Love it!

There are differences in what you have written and what you have spoken in the audio file. Also, where is the pain when you are making such statements:
Har anjaan hasin se shikwa hai, tanha tanha rehta hun!

Motaji!

Geetali said...

Resitation was pretty good.



The following lines don't go together:

Nazaar hi aa jaatay, kab mulakaat humne chaahi thi,
Har anjaan hasin se shikwa hai, tanha tanha rehta hun!

The first line, however, I like a lot.



I like the following:

Thoda sakun milta hai, inn shabadon ke thande jhonkon mein,
Andhar rehtay hai jab tak ehsaas, julsa jhulsa rehta hun!

and

Joe toot-taa hai, wah phir se, ik koshish se sanwaarta hai
Uss koshish ki kashish mein, tootaa tootaa rehta hun!

Vivek said...

From Desicritics

#1
Tanay
URL
August 2, 2006
07:46 AM

Good attempt in experimenting with Hindi and English Ghazal forms. I don't know into which category you would mark "Jagjit and Chitra Singh" into but like I their songs and have their entire collection.

Now how does your ghazal sound when I read it fast on the web or hear it when someone reads me the same on the phone..

Toe : one of the digits of the foot, make it as "Tau"
Joe : was it a Joe Blow hmmm errrr, no what I meant was make it "Jauo",how does
that sound..

(these were just comments :-) ,anyways a nifty post Vivek)

well the ideal mood/environ for ghazal = drizzling rain + dull mood + tea/coffee + yummy hot pakodas ( got me at pakodas, I am not sure about the English word for that)

#2
temporal
URL
August 2, 2006
10:31 AM

ivek:

the ads-by-goooooogle spoil it royally for me...so here is the version as perhaps you intended...my comments later in the day!

#3
temporal
URL
August 2, 2006
10:33 AM

btw have you tried writing ghazals in english? there is a site...let me see if i can find it...

#4
Vivek Sharma
URL
August 2, 2006
11:54 AM

Thanks Tanay and temporal. Learning the craft, of both writing and reading poems; so ur comments are greatly appreciated.

I have been working on English Ghazals for three weeks, and my mentor is extremely happy with them.

Example of an English sher:
Your dark eye lashes hunt like Medieval knights,
What duels I won't fight, to get your princess face.

Agha Shahid Ali was one of the finest English Ghazal writers. Searching for him leads to many interesting links.

Teporal: I second your Google ads point. I hope Amaan can do something about it.... All poems look weird this way!


#5
temporal
URL
August 2, 2006
12:01 PM

Here is the Ghazal Page I alluded to earlier

this
Aajkal mehkaada ek mehangi UmraoJaan ko kehta hun! does not jive

this is haasil e ghazal:
Joe toot-taa hai, wah phir se, ik koshish se sanwaarta hai
Uss koshish ki kashish mein, tootaa tootaa rehta hun!

yes, late kashmiri poet agha shahid ali's english ghazals inspired me too

Fizo said...

Vivek,
heard it just now after spending days looking for my headphones all over the place...
ummm...the voice quality is good..the style of reading the shers is very good...BUT...[you know it was going to be there]..how could you say Sakoon yaar..and 'wah' for 'woh' and gazal for ghazal..and mulaakaat for mulaaqaat ;-) ..but was happy that my worst fears remained just fears when I heard you go Zara instead of Jara..Thank the almighty God [yeah yeah I know I am picky]

As for the sher quality...hmm...
a very nice attempt I would say...but it lacks that special punch a good ghazal almost always carries...there was brilliance in a few shers..it started out very well..loved the first sher..

"Kuch naayi nahin, wahin puraani baatein kehta hun
Log kya kya samaj letay hai, mein jab ghazalein kehta hun!"

bhai wah! kya baat hain!

this one has real depth of meaning...

Joe toot-taa hai, wah phir se, ik koshish se sanwaarta hai
Uss koshish ki kashish mein, tootaa tootaa rehta hun!

but it could do with some alteration IMHO...and PUHLEAZE to change the wah to woh....mere bhai!

Jo toota tha use ek koshish se sanwaarta rehta hoon...
us koshish ki kashish mein toota toota rehta hoon...

kya baat hain! This could be the first sher of the ghazal and then it would be gramatically correct to call this a ghazal....

like this sher too...

Aajmaa ke dekhaa humne bhi hai, ishq ki har fitrat ko
Nahin kahaniyon sa hota hasin, Isiliye mein kehta hun!

leking pliss to change Aajmaa to Aazma :-D

sorry if I have been too harsh...
pliss to take with pinch of salt and sugar...!

Vivek said...

From Dud sea scrawls:

sharma jee
By bilbobaggins on Wed, 2006-08-02 03:46

Uss koshish ki kashish mein, tootaa tootaa rehta hun!

Loved this line the most .

Again the same gripe I always have with your writing. One word out of place.
had you said lafzon instead of shabdon I’d have been a happy camper.

(Thoda sakun milta hai, inn shabadon ke thande jhonkon mein)
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listening to it now
By bilbobaggins on Wed, 2006-08-02 04:50

enunciation tips coming your way

sukoon and not sakoon and maikada and not mehkada. Sticking out tongue
maybe listening to more ghazals of mehdi hasan might help Smiling
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Bilboji
By Vivek on Wed, 2006-08-02 11:01

I am taking notes:) Mehdi Hasan ko sunta hun, lekin jyaada nahin. Kambakht ghazalein jyaada sunnay se dimaag kharaab ho jaata hai:)

This year’s project is Sanskrit, next year I’ll work on Urdu.
Baaki Hindi Urdu mein farak hai, nahin hai, ka vivaad hum dono ka puraana hai, mujhe apni kavitayon mein kuch dooriyon ko mitaana hai Sticking out tongue
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sharma jee
By bilbobaggins on Thu, 2006-08-03 02:06

vivad samahj mein aata hai , per ye bhasahaon ka mishran hum ko nahin bhata hai, Sticking out tongue

I think that languages do incorporate words from other languages and thats an interesting and nice feature. Yet, one word in the middle of words from a different language sticks out. Urdu and hindi are similar and yet it is so easy to make that distinction. And when that distinction is so obvious ( or maybe its just me ) it can jarr ( at least to me it does )

Dooriyon ko mitane ke aur bhi raaste hain miyan Eye-wink
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Missed "waah waah's"
By India Whining on Thu, 2006-08-03 16:04

Tried reading Ur ghazal couple of times.. but gave up mid-way. The hindi/urdu words written in weird angreji didn’t roll off smoothly from my tongue while reading. But when I heard the audio it sounded better, a lot better. Kaafi umdaah awaaz hein aapki sharmaa ji. Liked Ur crisp recitation, just one thing was missing from the audio piece.. the customary “Waah Waaah’s”!! Amaa yaar apne 2 chaar lafangey dosto ko ghar pe bulaao.. Unko sasti sharab pilaao, aur phir oonse waaah waaah karaao. It would elavate Ur audio piece even further. Agar koi chamchaagiri karne ko milaa nahi toh mein, pradzie aur atraa toh hein hee. Jab chaaho bulaao yaar Big Grin
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lol! IW, tumhari yeh
By Pradzie on Thu, 2006-08-03 16:35

lol! IW, tumhari yeh jhurrat!

Vivek, read the poem didn’t really understand it since my Hindi std is up there unlike yours.

Also i don’t hav audio @ work to listen to it. Would love to, of course listen to you and some audio bibli billi had posted long ago.

Anyways will go with IW on this and join him in “Wah Huzoor Wah” “woahhh”. Sometimes you havta listen to shayari than read it.

(up there=dusty ol attic)
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Vivek said...

Urdu, Fizoji, Ghazal!
By Vivek on Fri, 2006-08-04 17:42

IW and Pradzie:) Always fun to read your comments:) I like the comment: “Amaa yaar apne 2 chaar lafangey dosto ko ghar pe bulaao.. Unko sasti sharab pilaao, aur phir oonse waaah waaah karaao” Smiling Idea bahut badiya hai…. Kabhi ek shahar mein huay, toe madhushaala mein jaa baithengay!

Very very instructive comments Fizoji. Like Bilbo, you too argue in favor of difference in Urdu and Hindi. I have always tried to maintain that both are two daughters of same one Hindustani language, but in accordance with current opinion, I will try to be more careful This then means I need to learn Farsi now, use zh in place of z, proper accents and remember tanhai aur akelapan, labz aur shadb, guftgu aur vartalaap, cannot be mixed.

The Hindi language we speak actually seems to use the so called Urdu (or Farsi derived) and Tattsam (Same as Sanskrit) words interchangably. So I really intend to bring the spoken language into written form. Perhaps once I master the “Urdu” and “Hindi” as some of us want them to be, I could revert later to the true mix, which is every man’s language. But I do promise to be extremely cautious about choice of words.

I am just beginning to learn how to write Ghazals, so all comments are extremely useful. I have tried looking up meter, structure and other instructions related to Ghazals online. I’ll be happiest if Fizoji, or anyone else can find me a good book or set of instructions. In fact, I truly need to find a mentor for Hindi and Urdu poetry, and all help will be welcome. Send me an email if you want to go over “real” stuff:)!
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