Labels

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Poem - Short story

Under revision
Offline indefinitely

3 comments:

Vivek said...

From dudseascrawls.com

vivekji
By asuph on Fri, 2006-10-27 06:03

so many layers. so many meanings.

“the ink fled into vapor, as his individuality blurred into a fading imprint”

that’s brilliant. only individuality – the word, not the concept – is jarring… not that i can think of an apt replacement….

also, “like death”, is that necessary?

and what a finish!

great stuff…

asuph
» reply | email this comment


and me back to nitpicking
By bilbobaggins on Fri, 2006-10-27 06:09

all though I loved the idea behind the poem and the imagery it evoked. Simply awesome. could picture the whole thing. Was it printed on gloss or matt. Somehow I saw gloss Smiling

for the nitpicking. Isnt singe more in terms of something getting slighlty touched by fire. Do correct me if I am wrong. I’ll end up learning something.

individuality and blurred and fading somehow dont sit well and blurring and fading feel like overkill. ( blame it on my being in the midst of japanese- am now highly sensitive to verbal overkill)
» reply | email this comment


Interesting idea...
By Captain Nemo on Fri, 2006-10-27 09:17

…reminds me of an Indian sculptor who created a bust of himself using odonil. The idea being that when exposed to air, it slowly vaporises thus eliminating ‘self’. I have asked my architect friend to mail me the images of that so that I can post them here…
» reply | email this comment

capn
By bilbobaggins on Fri, 2006-10-27 09:37

it took me a while to remember what odonil was . Sticking out tongue
» reply | email this comment

Vivek said...

from dudseascrawls:

Brilliant as critics
By Vivek on Fri, 2006-10-27 14:40

asuph and bilbo, you are as brilliant with criticism as with your writing.
esp bilbo, your nitpicking is the best thing that I can really have a love-hate relationship with:) (which is meant to drive you to more and more nitpicking, without which the whole point of posting anything is lost).

Blurring and fading has redundancy built into it, and individuality is indeed multi-syllabic (I am finally picking this language from poets): but I can’t think of a replacement. (as he blurred into a imprint: doesn’t do the job I think…. somehow I like the sentence as it is, so maybe will leave it so for now… even droping fading, see below seems to make it inadequate)

“like death” must go.
and Bilbo: singe was his idea; fire wasn’t; till he saw it happen. (Hmm maybe its not too clear on first reading)

Like black pepper strewn over a cheese pizza,
his face was pickled by his speckled sins.

He printed a digital snapshot of self and
heated the paper in the microwave-
his idea of seeing hell was to singe his own portrait.

The paper on the merry-go-round crumpled
in embarrassment. The ink fled into vapor,
as his individuality blurred into an imprint.

Yellowness and wrinkles of age depressed him.
And then, with a small thud, a yellow and blue flame,
tore him into flakes of black ash.

He wondered, if indeed, our real “residues”
were as flaky, were as black.

Read The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde recently, and I was eating pizza (the origin of the poem). But Captian Sahib, odonil idea is cool:) But I do need to singe and burn a picture to see if this is what really happens;)
» edit | reply | email this comment

Vivek said...

More from DUD SEA SCRAWLS:

Loved the idea
By heartcrossings on Fri, 2006-10-27 15:07

Loved the idea a great deal and the ending

He wondered, if indeed, our real “residues”
were as flaky, were as black.

Beautiful !
» reply | email this comment
vivs
By bilbobaggins on Fri, 2006-10-27 14:57

i won’t put something in the microwave if I wanted to singe it. In fact , more nitpicking -there is no fire in the microwave. maybe I was reading microwave and seeing gas stove. now I am tempted to put a postcard on my hotplate and see what happens.
Maybe its just me, but even from something as abstract as poetry, I expect, rather demand exactness. Maybe that ability of poetry to conform to norms of science and yet evoke emotions is what draws me to it and thats precisely what jars in some of ur work. leading me to nitpick Sticking out tongue
As we’ve agreed sensibilities are individual and I really can’t and should not expect you to conform to mine. But I can tell you what I liked and what I did not. Singe has to leave Big Grin
» reply | email this comment
experiment required:)
By Vivek on Fri, 2006-10-27 15:15

As my professor insists, I need experiments;) to really establish the truth.

But I have created fire in microwave before, and singed pop-corn packets, so the science aspects are within the realms of probability.

Accuracy is as important in a poem, as in the proof of a theorem or mathematical solution:) So I may not accept your recommendations at times, but I look forward to your nitpicking: afterall, I too need a conscience:). If it is in the land of rising Haiku sun, it is going to be both exotic and more precise;)
» edit | reply | email this comment